Making Room for Others
Leadership requires us to care
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“To survive, pluralistic societies require citizens who can look across difference and show the kind of understanding that is the prerequisite of trust — who can say, at the very least, ‘I’m beginning to see you. Certainly, I will never fully experience the world as you experience it, but I’m beginning, a bit, to see the world through your eyes.’” — David Brooks, 2023
I had a discussion with my oldest son the other day, when he brought up the topic of bullying.
He was of the mind that everyone gets bullied, while I said I thought it wasn’t a universal occurrence. We went back and forth about it for a while, until I finally asked him, “Well, what do you consider bullying?”
It seemed to stump him temporarily, as if it couldn’t quite put his finger on it — perhaps like Justice Potter Stewart’s non-definition of obscenity: “I know it when I see it.” Ultimately, he defined bullying as being picked on or made fun of.
By that definition, bullying would be universal. Humans are judgmental, and with that comes the expression of harsh opinions.
But to me, there is one thing that sets bullying apart from picking on someone: exclusion.
When we create ‘in’ groups and ‘out’ groups, we convey that some people matter and others don’t. Some are worthy while others are not.
It hurts to not be part of the in group. Whether it means you’ve been picked last for a team sport, left off of a text chain, or not invited to a party, when you know you’re not thought of highly — or worse: not thought of at all — it can be devastating.
I know from firsthand experience.
“The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them: that’s the essence of inhumanity.” — George Bernard Shaw, 1897
A leader’s responsibility is to ensure that everyone in their charge is made to feel welcome and included.
As Marilyn Gist shared with us on Episode 4 of Timeless Leadership, leader humility involves dignity: treating everyone with honor and respect for who he or she is, regardless of status or accomplishment.
A Three-Letter Word
In recent years, this leadership and culture practice has been given an acronymized name: DEI, or Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion. It’s not some corporate gimmick or trend; it requires empathy and thoughtfulness in how it is executed.
As I’m sure you’ve noticed lately, DEI has been under attack. Particularly as it’s labeled as “woke.” That’s an easy epithet to throw around, but when pressed for a definition, the epitheteers usually can’t muster a definition — because they so frequently use “woke” for everything they don’t like.
It’s perfectly fine to express our opinions on various topics. You and I might have different opinions on any number of things, from sports teams to restaurants, child-rearing to electric vehicles and more.
You have your preferences, I have mine. You like the Yankees, I like the Red Sox. You like Pepsi, I like Coke. No amount of arguing about those is going to change our opinions.
But when it comes to DEI, it isn’t about personal preferences. Let’s break it down into its component parts:
If DEI is diversity, equity, and inclusion, what’s the opposite?
Homogeneity, inequality, and exclusion.
Now, there are some people who are okay with that. They’re fine with being surrounded by people just like them; they have no problem with inequities (as long as they aren’t the victim of them); and they think nothing of excluding others.
The optimistic humanitarian in me would like to think most people aren’t like that.
My understanding of those who object to DEI is that they judge these programs as unfair because they elevate unqualified people. Of course, they have no evidence for this, but that’s how they express their opinion.
For example, when the barge crashed into the Francis Scott Key Bridge in Baltimore last week, some people rushed to judgment after learning the parent company of the ship had a DEI program, and they blamed DEI for the crash — despite the fact that the Port of Baltimore’s harbor master was in command of the ship.
When such people jump to these erroneous conclusions, they expose themselves as lacking empathy — perhaps because they’ve always been part of an ‘in’ group. They’d prefer to do away with inclusivity.
The Empty Chair
Daniel Gill knows a thing or two about inclusion.
When Daniel was growing up in the Washington Heights section of New York City, he experienced something that would stay with him for decades.
Daniel was invited to a birthday party in his apartment building when he was nine years old, and he decided to invite his friend Archie.
They rang the bell, and when the door opened, the mother of the birthday boy looked at Daniel, and then at Archie, who was Black.
“We have no more chairs,” she said.
Daniel was confused. He had been to this apartment many times and had seen plenty of chairs in it. Archie even said he would gladly sit on the floor or go get more chairs, but the response was stern: “No, you don’t understand. There are not enough chairs.”
Daniel slowly realized that he was welcome but Archie was not, because he was Black.
The boys left in tears.
Years later, Gill became a social studies teacher in the Montclair school system and helped with its desegregation. And in doing so, he remembered that incident with his friend Archie with a small but significant symbol.
Daniel Gill keeps an empty chair in the center of his classroom. For a very specific reason.
“I put a chair in my classroom so that anybody who comes to my classroom filled with anticipation, like a party, would feel welcome.”
He keeps it there so students “know this is an accepting place. When they forget that, I point to the chair,” he said.
Isn’t that the job of a leader? To make everyone feel welcome?
The challenge is that everyone has blind spots due to their own background. We can’t all experience the world the way every other person has.
And so, a good leader gets the input of other executives and employees, putting together different perspectives like pieces of a puzzle.
And having a DEI program isn’t checking a box or hewing to a trend. Being inclusive is simply showing that you care.
Inclusivity means making room for others. In our boardrooms, in our communications, and in our hearts.
And if you lose sight of that, just remember the empty chair.
There’s so much to learn,
I’ll be back on Friday with another entry — including some links, a recommended book and podcast, just for our Ampersand Guild members. Are you one?
As a teen I was the one who was excluded from parties and when I had my graduation party not a single "friend" showed up.
I know how it feels to be on the outside. I still feel like an outsider even as an adult.
I'm still shocked people show up to our cookouts.
Wow, Scott. Exclusion, yes. That's certainly where it starts. I have to think on this a bit.