If Only
“A multitude of small delights constitute happiness.” — Charles Baudelaire, 1897
If only I had a better salary, I’d feel secure.
If only I had a bigger house, I’d be content.
If only I got that promotion, I’d be happier.
If only… If only…
We seem to predicate how we feel and how we live our lives based on tangibles and outcomes.
As if there were some end goal, some final state of being that we could attain if we possessed something or passed a level—a real-life version of the internet phrase “Achievement unlocked!”
Humans are a strange species. Our brains trick us all the time, and in the strangest ways.
They tell us that if only we got what we wanted, we’d be happy. That a change in circumstances would make us satisfied.
Think about that for a moment. If you had desires — more money, a different house, a different job, a vacation, an ice cream cone, a single malt whisky—does that keep you happy and satisfied?
Likely not.
Your circumstances change briefly, but then you find you’re back to saying “if only…” again.
Happiness Doubled By Wonder
According to Professor Laurie Santos of Yale University, in her course Psychology and the Good Life, “a primary takeaway is that happiness is a mind-set to be cultivated, not a condition to be imposed.” (New York Magazine, May 2018)
A mind-set to be cultivated.
In other words, it’s not about external forces, the stuff you own, or the way society judges you to be successful; it’s about the habits you undertake that lead to sustained satisfaction.
What are some of these habits?
You could put more effort into relationships with family and friends. You could practice gratitude (recall that G.K. Chesterton wrote “Gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.”). You can live in the present, taking the time to observe the world around you and appreciate the things that make you smile.
It’s the little things that matter.
“If you can honestly say that you get along well with your family without worrying too much about them, that you get satisfaction from your work from day to day, and that you ‘feel good’ most of the time, you already possess the main elements in happiness.” — Ladies’ Home Journal, 1946
We’re surrounded by little things every day—things that may escape our notice. And yet, when we practice a little reflection, we can get so much more out of these little things than we first imagined.
The Little Things
A couple of years ago, I posted something that later made me reframe how I look at things. I asked my friends to share a fond memory of us.
Because of the way the algorithm works on Facebook, we know that we don’t see 100 percent of the posts that our friends make. In fact, it’s a much smaller percentage. And when you’ve over-friended, people are at risk of not showing up in your feed at all.
Because of that, there was a copied and pasted post that was going around.
It was a simple request: “If you’re reading this, even if we barely talk, comment with a fond memory of us.”
Much to my surprise, it got nearly 300 comments, including from some friends from long ago. But more than that, it was the caliber of responses that stuck with me.
Again and again, I came across little moments — moments that in some cases, I don’t even recall — that stood out in people’s minds.
Perhaps it was a note I sent, a remark I made, or a laugh we shared.
Things that frankly, didn’t seem like a big deal to me at the time.
But they mattered to my friends.
So much so that these memories were sparked so many years later. Like George Bailey in It’s a Wonderful Life, I was greeted with a multitude of small interactions that added up to a great deal (“You’ve been given a great gift, George.”)
It’s the little things.
The true power of leadership isn’t how many people you can fire, how profitable or successful you make a company, or the number of hours you spend working.
True leadership is found in everyday words and actions—the way you treat every person you meet.
Speeches and official communications will fade from memory. But your small gestures of kindness and inspiration will remain with people forever.
“They may forget what you said — but they will never forget how you made them feel.” — Carl W. Buehner, 1971
A Little Gesture from a Big Guy
One last story for you.
One of my fondest memories of working at Ford was on Take Your Child to Work Day in 2013, when I brought my two sons, Will and Drew with me for the day.
One of the events was a presentation in a large auditorium filled with Ford employees and their kids, where Alan Mulally, CEO of Ford at the time, gave a presentation. When he finished, he asked for questions from the audience, and Will’s hand shot up, but there wasn’t time to take his question.
Back at World Headquarters, after the boys finished their hot dogs and tater tots (a requested favorite!), as we were leaving the cafeteria, my phone rang. It was Amy, Alan’s executive assistant.
“Scott, where are you?”
“I’m downstairs, just outside the cafeteria.”
“Can you come up to Alan’s office, please?”
As much as I visited the 12th floor, just two floors above my own office, and regularly interacted with Alan, I didn’t really know what to expect.
When we arrived there, Alan was waiting in the doorway with a big smile on his face. He invited us into his office and chatted with Will and Drew for a bit. He asked them about school, he inquired about their day so far, and he asked their mom’s name.
Then, he sat down and wrote a note to my wife on Ford letterhead, telling her what fine boys she had and how proud she must be. Then he drew his signature heart around “Ford + Monty Family” at the bottom.
He asked if we’d like a picture, and invited us behind his desk. Then he motioned to Amy, who brought in two bags of Ford goodies — Hot Wheels, pens, keychains, notepads, and other Ford tchotchkes — and sent the boys on their way.
This was one of the finest examples of servant leadership I’ve ever witnessed. Alan took note of us in the audience, and even though he couldn’t answer Will’s question, he followed up with this meaningful and personal experience.
Were there other executives whose kids’ questions didn’t get answered that day? Probably. Did they get an invitation up to Alan’s office? Possibly.
But the thing is, even if they did, I guarantee Alan made them feel just as special as he made us feel.
Because that’s the kind of leader he is.
And I hope that’s the kind of leader my kids grow up to be.
Meanwhile, I’m spending as much time with them as I can before they’re grown.
If only we could stay like this forever.
If only.
I can’t thank you enough for being here and reading this far. If you’re inspired by what you read today, please recommend this newsletter to a friend you care about.
Thanks, and I’ll see you on the internet.
Additional Links for Subscribers
“There is nothing which has yet been contrived by man, by which so much happiness is produced as by a good tavern or inn.” — Samuel Johnson, 1776
Below are a few extra goodies — content I curate for members of the Ampersand Guild, our community of paid subscribers. You’ll find an article about the connection of wisdom & happiness, a fun and thought-providing podcast, and a book that calls out what we ought to be focusing on in our lives right now.
I hope you’ll take advantage of this offer and join us.
Keep reading with a 7-day free trial
Subscribe to Timeless & Timely to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.